My first inspiration for this blog came from my desire to write a letter to my close friends. To my friends, I feel like I have become the friend put away on the shelf. Let me be clear, you haven’t put me there! I have put myself on the shelf. Since developing severe back pain at the beginning of 2011, and having that pain become constant and chronic, I have not been able to be the friend I once was; engaged, interested and available. I have been focused on myself, my pain and my endeavors to get out of pain. I have been tired, grumpy, boring, avoidant, apathetic and just basically not there. I don’t like this about myself. I don’t want to be just this memory of a friend. I keep waiting for the day I am back, full of life, and fun again. I think, “after this treatment, I’ll be back,” or “after that surgery, I’ll be back,” but that day hasn’t come yet.
As for you, my friends, you have been loving, patient, supportive, available and interested. You have never made me feel bad for being in the situation I am in. You have never blamed me, discounted my experience, or made me feel like I have lost my worth to you. I count myself very, very lucky to have such wonderful friends. I hope you know I still care very much about you! My absence is not personal towards you. I am the same person you always knew, but with this added burden of pain, I do not have the incentive to engage.
Please know that I am working very hard to get better, to be stronger, to learn from this, and to get myself off the shelf. Please know that when and if you need me, just reach out and take me off the shelf and know that I am there for you. I have not stopped caring. I am just presently in storage.
Self on the Shelf 